How To Get (A)head

top Ten tips

The second most Frequently Asked Question (FAQ) that we get asked at Leaky Towers after  ” How the bloody hell do they get away with it?” is “Dear Lord and Lady – how can we survive the cut and thrust of the modern workplace during a time of austerity and endemic corruption”.

So rather than tell our readers to FAQ off we thought we’d ask leading management consultants Jack Pott and Joe Kerr for their top 10 tips on how to get ahead in local government .

  1. JOB SECURITY 

If you’re a recently appointed Chief Executive – stay in your office and refuse to have anything to do with those horrible people outside.Tuck your favourite Teddy in your briefcase and cuddle at regular intervals.Remember – only Teddy understands the pressures that come with a £15K a month pay cheque!.

2.  POLITICAL AWARENESS 

Join the Labour Party.Run an election campaign on behalf of the Labour Party.Actively promote the Labour Party on your own blog and social media. Get appointed to a Politically Restricted Post and sit in an office next to the leader of the local Labour group !.

3. TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES 

Keep up to date with the latest technology.Take a recording device wherever you go and with your finger on the pulse and your finger on the button be ready when a senior councillor or senior manager says something they shouldn’t!.

4. NETWORKING

Find out who has the most power and influence in your organisation and have sexual intercourse with them!.However always remember that positions of power may change so be prepared to change your allegiance and underwear at regular intervals.

5. REFLECTION

This 3 step exercise is particularly important for Human Resources managers. First –  look in the mirror and recite the Nuremberg Defence : ” I was only following orders”.Second – practice your tongue exercises by seeing how far you can extend it – hopefully as far as a Chief Officer or a Cabinet Member.Thirdly – still looking in the mirror ,practice tilting your head at a 30 degree angle and nodding your head in feigned concern as you tell someone they’re being made redundant or they’re having their pay cut.

6. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

Acquire as much incriminating information as you can about your managers and if you’re threatened with redundancy or there is the remote possibility of promotion gently remind them of what you know.For maximum impact use in conjunction with Top Tips  3 & 4.

7. TEAMWORK

Managers should appoint the most incompetent staff to be their immediate subordinates.Those with big mortgages and small IQs are best – they are less likely to challenge your glaring incompetence.If a subordinate seems as though they may challenge your authority or may even be resorting to Top Tip 6 – bully them.If possible enlist HR (see Top Tip 5) to threaten them with disciplinary action or with a referral to Occupational Health.

8. CONSULT CONSULTANTS      

If as a busy manager you find yourself on a six figure salary and are still unable to do your job and make a decision – fear not! – hire a consultant and blame them when everything goes wrong.Alternatively you’ve been up to no good or need someone to dig you out of a hole of you’re own making – again , hire a consultant. They’re always willing to say “no case to answer” in return for a fat pay cheque.

9. WORD -UPMANSHIP  

Learn the latest buzzwords.They make you sound important and exclude those who aren’t in the know – especially members of the public who pay your wages. Regularly refer to the Local Government Association’s Lexicon of Bureaucratic Bullshit and try and use words like “triangulate” and “subsidiarity” during any meeting you attend.

 

10. KNOW WHEN YOU’RE BEAT

If Top Tips 1-9 fail just punch the Chief Executive in the face and you too could walk away with £250,000 of public money!.

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “How To Get (A)head

  1. Could it ever be better than this? Perhaps if central government did intervene or central agencies did insist that rules is rules , breach them and be punished.

    But we don’t ever see the above happening and so the fire dies and the wolves get more and more raucous and daring.

    Where a person steps out with a flaming brand to ward off the wolves they are left to the wolves.

    When will morning come and the evil things depart?

  2. Re: Number 9

    “Tripartite” is quite er, impactful.

    I once witnessed a #QuackCWAC manager wheel this one out 6 times in the same 30 minute meeting.

    Each and every time it was irrelevant, incongruous and an embarrassed silence descended. But despite all the squirming, on he went, digging a hole and repeating it more clearly for full effect.

    The same manager used to drive through Cheshire in a gold convertible, top down, in shades, in the rain with a baseball cap on back to front.

  3. G’day Lordsville

    How ya goin?

    Talking 10 tips of the workplace and The Mail talking of the massive rewards to these chancers.

    Where do you think AdderleyDadderlyDooLally went wrong?

    How much do you think Wirral “Funny” Bizz Lockwood and Harbac had to do with his premature e………… evacuation of the Clown Hall?

    If you read yesterdays Mail

    The shocking scale of fat cat pay in the public sector is exposed today by a major Daily Mail investigation.
    Following the most detailed audit of state earnings ever, we reveal how bosses milk the taxpayer for millions of pounds.
    Even those presiding over national scandals – such as child abuse and fraud – have pocketed huge salaries. The details came to light only through 6,000 freedom of information requests and months of painstaking research by the Mail and the TaxPayers’ Alliance.

    So My L I don’t think he would walk away or even get on the gravy train with those pickings on offer.

    Was he pushed and why?

    Ooroo

    James

    Luv ya more My Lovely
    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  4. That’s by far and away the very best piece you’ve ever written. I particularly liked Item (4) that encourages the act of physical love making.
    Course, I do appreciate I’m in a sort of agreed exile but given the fact that I’ve responded to your work and it’s been acknowledged as being outstanding, throw me a bone and allow my words to be transmitted.
    Once again, brilliant bit of work. My warmest regards.

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