The second most Frequently Asked Question (FAQ) that we get asked at Leaky Towers after ” How the bloody hell do they get away with it?” is “Dear Lord and Lady – how can we survive the cut and thrust of the modern workplace during a time of austerity and endemic corruption”.
So rather than tell our readers to FAQ off we thought we’d ask leading management consultants Jack Pott and Joe Kerr for their top 10 tips on how to get ahead in local government .
- JOB SECURITY
If you’re a recently appointed Chief Executive – stay in your office and refuse to have anything to do with those horrible people outside.Tuck your favourite Teddy in your briefcase and cuddle at regular intervals.Remember – only Teddy understands the pressures that come with a £15K a month pay cheque!.
2. POLITICAL AWARENESS
Join the Labour Party.Run an election campaign on behalf of the Labour Party.Actively promote the Labour Party on your own blog and social media. Get appointed to a Politically Restricted Post and sit in an office next to the leader of the local Labour group !.
3. TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES
Keep up to date with the latest technology.Take a recording device wherever you go and with your finger on the pulse and your finger on the button be ready when a senior councillor or senior manager says something they shouldn’t!.
Find out who has the most power and influence in your organisation and have sexual intercourse with them!.However always remember that positions of power may change so be prepared to change your allegiance and underwear at regular intervals.
This 3 step exercise is particularly important for Human Resources managers. First – look in the mirror and recite the Nuremberg Defence : ” I was only following orders”.Second – practice your tongue exercises by seeing how far you can extend it – hopefully as far as a Chief Officer or a Cabinet Member.Thirdly – still looking in the mirror ,practice tilting your head at a 30 degree angle and nodding your head in feigned concern as you tell someone they’re being made redundant or they’re having their pay cut.
6. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
Acquire as much incriminating information as you can about your managers and if you’re threatened with redundancy or there is the remote possibility of promotion gently remind them of what you know.For maximum impact use in conjunction with Top Tips 3 & 4.
Managers should appoint the most incompetent staff to be their immediate subordinates.Those with big mortgages and small IQs are best – they are less likely to challenge your glaring incompetence.If a subordinate seems as though they may challenge your authority or may even be resorting to Top Tip 6 – bully them.If possible enlist HR (see Top Tip 5) to threaten them with disciplinary action or with a referral to Occupational Health.
8. CONSULT CONSULTANTS
If as a busy manager you find yourself on a six figure salary and are still unable to do your job and make a decision – fear not! – hire a consultant and blame them when everything goes wrong.Alternatively you’ve been up to no good or need someone to dig you out of a hole of you’re own making – again , hire a consultant. They’re always willing to say “no case to answer” in return for a fat pay cheque.
9. WORD -UPMANSHIP
Learn the latest buzzwords.They make you sound important and exclude those who aren’t in the know – especially members of the public who pay your wages. Regularly refer to the Local Government Association’s Lexicon of Bureaucratic Bullshit and try and use words like “triangulate” and “subsidiarity” during any meeting you attend.
10. KNOW WHEN YOU’RE BEAT
If Top Tips 1-9 fail just punch the Chief Executive in the face and you too could walk away with £250,000 of public money!.