Hasbeen Meets Queen

Buck House has sent out its usual invitations to Wirral Council for this year’s garden parties.There are three to be held between May, June and July apparently and the current Mayor Les Rowlands gets first choice. This leaves three x 2 invites per main political party.Tradition is that the longest serving councillors get to go, and so Labour have chosen…………………………….
Jim “Crabby” Crabtree, of suspension and deselection fame.

This seems rather odd as Crabby should by this time no longer be performing civic duties.Are we to deduce that he will renege on his promise to the North West Labour Party that he would not stand as an Independent councillor in the Bidston & St.James ward come May or that Labour plan to parachute the prodigal into an unsuspecting ward?.

We anticipate the Buck House beano will be a sequel to our fondly remembered satire “When Foulkesy Met Her Majesty” which imagined that fateful day when a former Wirral Mayor of ill repute graced The Queen’s immaculate lawn.


Hasbeen Meets Queen

Her Majesty : How do you do .What is your name and have you come far?

Lord Jim :  Hiya Queen – me mate Foulkesy calls me Jumbo. I’ve come all the way down in a mini-bus from Wirral  – but I managed to dump the schoolkids I was supposed to be lookin’ after down The Mall deliverin’ copies of the “Wirral Plan : 20/20 Vision” to confused foreigners. Spreadin’ the word like.In fact here you go -here’s a copy specially signed by Martin Liptrot just for you.He’s dead clever – he went to Wolverhampton Polytechnic and writes plans and things for us.

Her Majesty :  Er thank you (hands copy to courtier) .And tell me what do you do in Wirral ?.

Lord Jim: As little as possible!.No,I was havin’a laff  Ma’am – I used to be the Chair of Wirral Council’s Audit & Risk Management Committee.I was dead convincin’ – I used to wear a whistle and flute , as you’d say being a cockney , and I’d read out the agenda and sign the minutes off and everythin’.But then I got suspended from the Labour party because of a bit of a misunderstandin’.It was a big stitch up and stuff and then they all had it in for me at the selection meetin’. I wuz robbed.I could have been the next leader of the Council because Our Frank likes me.He even wrote a letter to the selection committee sayin’ I was dead sound.You’ll know Our Frank – everyone’s heard of Our Frank.He’s on the telly all the time.And not just on Christmas Day like you.

Her Majesty : It’s reassuring to hear that irony has finally reached the provinces.From what my advisors tell me about Wirral  – it sounds as though local business practices are very similar to certain parts of the Commonwealth. I must introduce you to the Nigerian High Commissioner .I’m sure you’ll have plenty to talk about.

Lord Jim: So this Nigerian bloke.Is he dead tall like?

Her Majesty : (sighs and whispers to courtier  )…..remind me to ask my ministers whether they could change their plans forthwith from Northern Powerhouse to Northern Devolution!.


6 thoughts on “Hasbeen Meets Queen

  1. Oh Lordy

    This peanut has well and truly earned this trip for the sheer audacity and vulgarity of supporting lying cheating senior officers and it is only right the queen should see what wirral is about.

    As thick as the chair and chair of the Risk It and Fudge It Mis-Management Committee she will be meeting one of the finest specimens the organisation has to offer.

    His morals and ethics on show in the garden will probably make the ravens flee the tower.

    He will be in trouble if anyone asks what he knows about asset stripping.

    God save wirral if this is the best crud that can be sent.



    Ps Thank God Lordly they don’t send dross like this to Oz any more.

    God save you Leaky XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  2. G’day Lordy

    I dreamt last night that the corgi’s all *hat at her feet and she asked “Crapapple” to pick it up as he helps clean up all the effluent created by lying, cheating, scum bag senior officers at wirral as thick as the chair, chair, of the Risk It and Fudge It Mis-Management Committee.

    She will probably ask him to take the turds back to wirral in HIS bus as he never seems to use it to carry kiddies just his mates from the Risk It and Fudge It Mis-Management Committee to the pub after meetings covering the arses of his “mates” the de-selectors and others that stabbed him in the back.

    I might give you a day or two off Lordsville reading my crap about the crap that is the gang of nodding idiot buffoons like “Phil the Very Very Deluded Dill”, “Ankles” and “The Pretend Friend”
    (Other Wirralgate Conspirators are available) and focus my attentions on writing to Her Highness Queen of Australia and tell her how it really is on wirral.



    Ps To think she has already met the worst of the worst.

    God save the queen cos nothing (in the near future) will save wirral.

    Not even a golf course (or two) and kev and stella’s stinking stagnant wirral waters aka Peel Harbour.


  3. I simply love my friend James and his short and to the heart of the point use of words. Whereas I can waffle on endlessly churning out drivel and tripe that eventually might have some meaning, our James on the other hand, just effortlessly constructs short words that say it all and capture whatever it was that needed to be said.
    ‘Crud’, for example. What a wonderful descriptive word to describe this gathering from the Wirral that our dear and sweet Sovereign lady is to meet. I mean, if the Queen reads the mighty, earth shaking, history making, legendary, heart stopping Wirral Leaks, and who’s to say she doesn’t, learning that ‘Crud’ are en route to meet her and her kith and kin can’t be a happy thing to contemplate.
    Crud! What a wonderful word. Says it all. Everything you need to know is there and contained within three consonants and a single vowel. And so, when the big day arrives, they gather together and begin their journey South to meet our longest serving Monarch I’d like them to think a little about the word ‘Crud’ which so aptly describes what Elizabeth will think of them when she extends her hand and they are required to bow and kiss her ring.
    And if she reads the Mighty Leaks and follows the many pieces authored upon these pages and understands the whole ‘Crud’ thingy, then my guess is she’ll think to herself, ‘My God! The bastard things I’m required to do in the name of Monarchy.’

  4. Pingback: Wirral Labour Party Ex-Councillor Receives Suspended Sentence for Making Offensive Phone Call | Wirral In It Together

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s