D.A.S.S Spokesman Richard Dasstardly briefed media today :
“Well the thing is right , when we said “4 week delay in commissioning care” what we really meant was that this was to assist service users time to reflect on their needs and er, ensure that the package was bespoke and very good and stuff.
It is a gross misrepresentation to call it a delay .The secretary taking the minutes of the Budget Meeting meant to write “4 week prioritisation process” in the minutes.As a result of her sheer incompetence she’s now been chosen to be the fall person for this “misunderstanding” because she can’t possibly understand how clever,caring and cuddly we really,really are deep,deep down inside…………..
Please note: the fact that “prioritisation” does not feature among any of the documentation relating to this case should not lead you to the conclusion that we are making it up as we go along.
Prioritisation is such a long and very important word it should be all we need to convince Councillors that what we were doing was in the best interests of all concerned ( OK not the people of Wirral – but hey they don’t count do they ?- they’re just there to fund my lavish lifestyle in the Cheshire stockbroker belt).
However we must explain that if there was a delay, we have decided it was the service users fault for not agreeing to a piss-poor service, sorry we mean personalised service within a 4 week period of reflection followed by a period of prioritisation by very,very clever Senior managers .
Some social workers may have thought there a 4 week delay but that’s because they’re not as clever as us and they get a little confused sometimes but that’s their fault because they just don’t listen sometimes and its nothing to do with our lack of communication skills.
I will not waiver on this point.
The commissioning care aspect is again a misnomer as clearly we don’t care.Er, please don’t misinterpret what we’re saying here.We mean we support people to be independent rather than care, as we believe in choice and er,empowerment and other words we can regurgitate on cue but don’t really mean.
Finally when we refer to the independent sector we mean a small group of “support” providers who are so independent and free of scrutiny we have absolutely no control over them.
I hope this explanation proves that making out we are all DASS-tardly is just not very nice and a little bit upsetting.
As you know DASS senior managers are held in such high esteem for their honesty and integrity by the people of Wirral and to see their reputations trashed by someone who probably has never had to do something really tricky with an Excel spreadsheet makes us all nostalgic for the days when we could rely on the Cabinet lead for Social Care to get us out of any old shit we landed ourselves in.
Therefore we can only conclude that this is clearly the work of a trouble maker who is probably a bit mad – just like the other one!”