Boxing Day Blues

It’s Boxing Day and this sad sack Santa is all washed up!

Q : But where’s Elaine Foulkes aka Lainey?

A : She’s gone for a bite!

Vote Wirral Leaks

Hello Leakers, Lord Leaky here

That little “misunderstanding” over my expenses has now been resolved.

An expensive and long drawn out investigation has proved that there was “no case to answer” as it was considered to be an  “administrative error” by my manservant Eldritch, who  – as you may have noticed , has recently been subject to a “gagging clause” and is unable to discuss the matter.

A redacted report of the unfortunate “mistake” will be made available in a few years time in the hope that any wrongdoing will be long  forgotten and anyone implicated in any wrongdoing will have been paid off or “moved on”.

Furthermore I understand that the powers that be consider that it would not be in the public interest to publish this report at the present time as this would undermine public confidence in our civic dignitaries and  could possibly lead to anarchy (or a slightly peeved letter to The Times).

However this means I am now able to resume my rightful place in the House of Lords and attend to important matters of state such as snoozing,nodding off and clocking in and out without attending any of those dreary debates.

Unfortunately my status as a Lord of the Realm precludes me from standing in next weeks local elections. However this does not prevent me from musing on a fantasy manifesto should I ever fall from grace (and favour) and find myself having to glad-hand the proletariat to gain political power.

Of course the first port of call for any aspiring politician is “The Nolan Principles” – The Seven Principles of Public Life. May “The Nolan Principles” serve as a timely reminder for some Wirral Councillors that they are not about putting you in the mood for dancing,romancing and giving it all tonight when in fact they are about :

Selflessness – Holders of public office should act solely in terms of the public interest. They should not do so in order to gain financial or other benefits for themselves, their family or their friends. Integrity – Holders of public office should not place themselves under any financial or other obligation to outside individuals or organisations that might seek to influence them in the performance of their official duties.
Objectivity – In carrying out public business, including making public appointments, awarding contracts, or recommending individuals for rewards and benefits, holders of public office should make choices on merit.

Accountability – Holders of public office are accountable for their decisions and actions to the public and must submit themselves to whatever scrutiny is appropriate to their office.

Openness – Holders of public office should be as open as possible about all the decisions and actions they take. They should give reasons for their decisions and restrict information only when the wider public interest clearly demands.

Honesty – Holders of public office have a duty to declare any private interests relating to their public duties and to take steps to resolve any conflicts arising in a way that protects the public interest. Leadership – Holders of public office should promote and support these principles by leadership and example

So how would I translate these principles into practice if I were a Wirral Councillor?.
Well good people of Wirral this would be my Wirral Leaks Party manifesto:

* Never cover up malpractice
* Never agree to pay-offs for malpractice
* Always hold those guilty of malpractice to account

* Never agree to pay consultants huge payments to give us the answer we want
* Never indulge in bogus surveys and consultations
* Always make our publications transparent,free of jargon/corporate -speak/bullshit

* Never put reputation management before accountability
* Never find ways of not answering Freedom of Information requests
* Always own up if we make a mistake

* Never indulge in self serving,self aggrandizement,self promotion,self interest
* Never compromise our integrity and honesty
* Always prioritise education,caring for the vulnerable and the environment

* Never support nepotism
* Never condone horizontal promotion
* Always promote a meritocracy

* Never do sweetheart deals with unions
* Never do as we are told by local MPs
* Always remember there is more to Wirral than golf

* Never operate a culture of fear
* Never use economic circumstances as a means of controlling staff
* Always foster a culture of co-operation and mutual respect

* Never swear at or demean local journalists
* Never indulge in rambling ,incomprehensible speeches referencing Nelson Mandela and Bruce Springsteen.
* Always be available by email and don’t opt out of receiving emails from the people who elected us.

* Never say anything which I would not want to be in the public domain
* Never indulge in smear campaigns
* And most importantly ..always,always ask whether we are being recorded.